T.BAG JONES on a school bus – you wonder what happened don’t you!
Holy Shit! My boy Chad got the Swine Flu and he is sick as a motherfucker. I think he got it from licking the table at Hooters that night we dared him to lick the table at Hooters. So he’s been complaining about feeling sick and we’ve been all like “Shut up wuss!” and he’s been all like “No really I don’t feel good.” and then I was like “Don’t be a chad because you know we have that beer pong tournament tonight and you’re my partner because those glasses give you ninja-vision.” And he’s all like “OK bro. OK.”
So jump to 6 hours later and we’ve been knocked out of the tourney because pussy lips thinks he has the Swine Flu and I’m all like “How the fuck could you have the Swine Flu and still drink like a case of Beast Ice?” And then he just fucking EXPLODES with vomit. Priceless.
- T-Bag Jones
Now this is the kind of classy lady Rog R. Rock and I like. And I mean realllllly like. Will fuck for cake? Me too baby. Me too. You know what else I’ll fuck for?
1 – Money
2 – Blunts
3 – Gucci Sneakers
4 – Gift Certificates to Claim Jumpers
5 – Tacos
-T-Bag Jones
I snorted some Oxy last night because I was bored as fuck and my PS3 is broken. I topped it off with a blunt soaked in NyQuil. I woke up two days later but I felt like a new man. Like a had a purpose in life. I think it had something to do with this dream I had while I was in a drug induced coma. I was floating on some clouds and then I was in a swimming pool that had trays of burritos floating around on trays so you could swim and eat burritos at the same time. And they were good burritos like steak and potato and some trays had breakfast burritos. And there was an angle floating above the pool and she told me all the winners for like the next 20 Super Bowls so I could bet on them and win mad loot. And she fixed my PS3 and gave me a handy on the pool ladder. It was fucking beautiful.
So I when I came around I wanted to check out some internet porn and I found this picture. And holy fuck it’s a picture of the girl from my dream. Whoa. I’m gonna find out who she really is and move in with her right after I finish looking at this porn and go to Taco Bell.
- T-Bag Jones
“My dog and I are fucking PISSED! We wait all year to play fantasy football and this year we are totally blowing it. I got all my boys rounded up and had my draft party at Hooters! You know how we roll lol! What what? But my dog and I were mad fucked up on the 40oz Mickey’s we were brown bagging and drafted all players that were injured or retired or retarded or some shit. Like how the hell did Tiki Barber get on my team? That dude plays for the news now! Oh snap! So here we are at week 7 of the season and are goose is cooked. My dog is so pissed he took a nap during the Monday night game.”
-T-Bag Jones
“I came home from work today and my dog had this shit paused on the tv. It’s some jailbait bit from an episode of Made where a tree sloth wants to be beauty queen. I gotta talk to him about this underage girl thing cause I don’t want him getting caught up on that dateline show. I bet this girl is only 16…which would make her like 87 in dog years! Oh shit my dog is into GILFs! lol!”
-T-Bag Jones
“What the fuck? This isn’t the Giants game! I’m at a fucking U2 concert. Do you want a t-shirt?”
-T-Bag Jones
“Look what I hid in the toilet right next to my bottle of JD. Party time up in here!”
-T-Bag Jones
“So Hooters now makes tater tots. They come in a basket covered in nacho cheese an sour cream. I told my Hooters Girl that they should call this shit “We Gotta Make This” like when you get super fucking blunted and you find a bunch of random food in your Stepmom’s fridge and you tell your boys “Ah shit we gotta make this!” Hooter Tots are amazing.”
-T-Bags Jones
Remember that Toonces The Driving Cat shit on SNL? Where the cat always drove off the cliff? Well I got my dog trained to do that shit in real life. He’s only crashed twice and once was because he tried to hit a squirrel that was in the street. I got it so that he can take me to Taco Bell every day at 4:20 so I can get a dozen burritos. Here I am all high and shit in the back seat while he takes the wheel.
- T-Bag Jones
