“OK – not to harsh on everyone’s New Years buzz but America is FUCKED!  For Christmas my sister got me a trip to one of them Native American reservations that’s got casinos and shit.  Long story short – I lost a TON of cash the first night I was there and got kicked out of my hotel.  I ended up with this dude in his apartment and we ate some peyote and built a sweat lodge in his bathroom.  I was tripping BALLS.  My spirit guide was the Hooters Owl.  The owl spoke to me about economics and politics and the state of these united states.  Then he melted into a puddle of hot chocolate and I went blind for a day.   When I finally came to I’d had a complete epiphany on how to fix America…I was going to get rich.  You see, if I get rich I can stimulate the economy by creating jobs at all the nudie bars I open and I’ll bring education to the children when I open schools for young ladies with emotional problems.  And I’ll fix the superstructure of cites by building these clubs and schools on the same roads.

So in order to fix America by making myself rich I’m gonna embrace two of the things that are killing our culture – fat children and modeling. Fat kids are lazy and fucking entitled just like models.  So I’m gonna round up some fat kids and put them to work modeling.  This will teach them the value of the dollar and force adult models to learn real skills when I replace them with my army of fat children.  Of course I’ll be taking 90% of all earnings because who else will save America if I don’t?

So take notice fat kids!  No more sitting around like a slob with your stuffed animals crying about not being picked for the baseball team.  We’ve got work to do!  Now fucking knuckle up for your country!”

-T-Bag Jones